Your Eyes
by Gallifreyan Ginger
Summary: John did something stupid. Rodney paid the price. Will John get the chance to right his wrongs before it’s too late?


Title: Your Eyes

Author: Harper's Pixie

Rating: T+ because the boys sometime let the curses fly.

Pairing: McShep

Summary: John did something stupid. Rodney paid the price. Will John get the chance to right his wrongs before it's too late?

A/N: I don't own the characters of Stargate Atlantis…but a girl can dream, can't she? I also don't own the song "Your Eyes" because that is the property of the late great Jonathon Larson.

_Your Eyes _

_As We Said Our Goodbyes _

_Can't Get Them Out Of My Mind _

_And I Find I Can't Hide (From) _

_Your Eyes _

_The Ones That Took Me By Surprise _

_The Night You Came Into My Life _

_Where There's Moonlight _

_I See Your Eyes _

"I'm sorry, lad, but if he doesn't wake up in the next twenty four hours-"

"He'll never wake up," I interrupt as I keep my eyes glued to my lover--_ex_-lover's bed.

Carson sighs. I can tell he's tired. He's been here as many hours as I have and it's just as hard on him. I feel his hand on my shoulder and as he replies, his brogue is thickening

"I'm sorry. I wish I had more for you but…"

I turn away and look at his face; his blue eyes are shining. "I know Carson."

He gives my shoulder a squeeze and leaves. I'm alone now. I scoot my chair up until I'm beside his bed. Why I didn't do this earlier, I don't know. No…that's a lie. I do know. It's the same reason why things went so wrong in the first place. Why I'm here and he's there, lying on that bed, tubes and wires coming out of every place imaginable.

I take his hand, careful of the IV and gently rub my thumb over it. I carefully bring it to my lips and kiss his fingers. This is completely my fault. Why didn't I tell him? Why'd I have to be so stupid and run away from the greatest thing in my life?

"Oh God, Rodney. Why'd you do this to me? After everything I've put us through, why'd you do this? I wasn't worth it. Why?"

I stop, tears threatening to come as he stays silent…motionless. I've never seen Rodney like this. I know a lot of people see him as a coward, but they just never saw how strong he really was-no - is. Pull yourself together Sheppard, he's not gone yet. I've seen so many people in his same position, never crying over them; but I never was in love with any of them. As close as I may have been, I never got sick at the thought of them hurt. I never cried over them. Rodney's different. He's always been different.

The only sounds I hear are his ventilator and his heart monitor; as long as that beeps, I'll still hold out hope. The whooshing is almost entrancing. I continue staring at Rodney's pale face. God, what I'd give to see his eyes. Rodney was never one to express his feelings, but with me he never had to, his eyes told me everything. I never realized that when we'd first met. We were both too busy trying to either find a once thought Lost City or just trying not to die. It wasn't until after Koyla's attempted take over that I truly saw where Rodney's emotions hid.

**flashback**

I found him on one of the many balconies in Atlantis, just staring at the moon. When I realized he hadn't heard me enter, I watched him for a few minutes. He was fidgeting with the bandage he'd applied himself. I could see that it's once white surface was heavily tinged with red, as was the coat sleeve above and below the bandage

"McKay," I called. He jumped, spinning around to face me, and I continued when he gave a weak smile, "you should see someone about that. Just because Doc's a little concussed doesn't mean you can't get it checked out by one of the other doctors."

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Unlike some people, I don't blindly trust my valuable body to any witch doctor that earned a degree. For all I know, I'd go in for a bandage and leave with one less appendage." He drilled me with an irritable look. "Besides, you're not my mother."

I joined him at the balcony. "I'm not your mother, but you're a member of my team. I can obviously tell you're in pain, not to mention - you've already bled through the bandage. If you aren't careful you'll get an infection."

"Major, I'm not a child," snapped Rodney. "I am completely capable of taking care of myself and my arm is fine."

That's when my eyes truly connected with his and for the first time I saw what I'd missed all along. In his blue eyes there was guilt. His facial expression may have been pissed, but his eyes screamed of guilt and disappointment and I knew exactly why.

"McKay, you have no reason to blame yourself."

His mouth hung open for a second before snapping shut. He turned to face the ocean again and said, "I don't know what you're talking about. I have nothing to blame myself for. If you hadn't noticed, I saved the city again….with your help here and there."

"McKay, stop. You're feeling guilty because you told Koyla about the plan. No one blames you. You need to realize it's not your fault." I knew he felt responsible for what had happened. He'd broken under torture and Koyla nearly got what he wanted. He needed to know that it didn't make him any less of a man.

"That's where you're wrong Major." He turned toward me, and his eyes were glistening. He was fighting back tears and I suddenly had the urge to wipe them away if they fell. Men weren't supposed to cry, especially not a man like Rodney. "It is my fault. It's my fault that Elizabeth nearly got killed; it's my fault that Carson's in the med bay. If I hadn't told Koyla about my genius plan, then they'd probably have been gone long before anyone got hurt." Rodney's jaw clenched as a single tear escaped. I was taken back by his raw emotion. I'd never seen Rodney cry and seeing that single tear escape his ocean blue eyes I realized I never wanted to see him cry again. Something deep inside me vowed to keep him from ever feeling the need to cry in anger, sadness, or fear ever again.

"And most of all, Sheppard, it's my fault that you almost got killed. Any of those times you went against the Genii soldiers, you could've been killed. And why did this all happen…because I wasn't man enough to take what Koyla dished out." His voice was dripping with self loathing. "Everyone should be blaming me, especially you. So, if you don't mind, I have every right to feel guil-"

He was interrupted by my lips on his, my hands on either side of his face, rubbing against day old stubble. I couldn't stand how he was cutting himself down and I felt like he deserved to know that no matter what the others thought, he'd have one person on his side. Honestly, I'd expected him to pull away, but instead, he kissed back. In the back of my mind I was trying to figure out why the hell I was really doing this. Words would have sufficed. Then I realized why I'd fought so hard against Koyla's men. It was Rodney, it had always been Rodney. I was fighting to ensure that this moment would happen. I pulled him closer and my tongue forced its way into Rodney's welcoming mouth. We kissed until oxygen became a necessity.

I pulled away and quickly tried to explain myself, but I saw something in Rodney's eyes as the moonlight shined down. For the first time since meeting him, I saw love in Rodney McKay's eyes. And it scared the hell out of me.

"Damn, all you really had to do was push me towards the infirmary. It's not like I have the strength to fight, but that….well, let's just say I like your skills of persuasion," he said as he headed towards the door.

**end flashback**

That was the moment I fell in love with Dr. Rodney McKay. But things just don't work out the way you plan. I was stupid and scared. In the entire span of our relationship, I couldn't bring myself to tell him how I honestly felt. I think it was because I knew the moment I did, our relationship would become real. I thrived in our hidden kisses and late night meetings. I even grew accustomed to waking up every morning with Rodney wrapped tightly in my arms. So what if I didn't tell him right away, I thought we had all the time in the world.

Caldwell came and I realized we'd run out of time.

_How'd I Let You Slip Away _

_When I'm Longing So To Hold You _

_Now I'd Die For One More Day _

_'Cause There's Something I Should _

_Have Told You _

_Yes There's Something I Should Have _

_Told You _

We were happy even with the Wraith breathing down our neck, but then I screwed it all up because I couldn't stand the thought of what the military would do to me. Rodney was safe, he was a civilian, but I wasn't and what we had could end very badly for me.

I rub my free hand over my face, watching his chest rise with the ventilator. Those eyes that I'd come to be able to read so well told me how much I'd hurt Rodney when I told him it was over.

**flashback**

"Rodney, we have to stop," I told him as he went to kiss me. It was a few days after our return from Earth. Being home again had really reminded me what could happen if we were ever caught. On Atlantis I was the head military officer so I had no one to answer to for my actions, especially not my relationship with Rodney. Once back on Earth the truth came crashing down on me. No longer was I the military head and I was reminded painfully that my actions could bring about repercussions that only I would suffer. That scared me and blinded my judgment. I was acting hasty, but at the moment all I could think of was the career I'd worked years to obtain.

"What do you mean," he asked, his mouth agape.

"We can't do this anymore, McKay. Do you know what would happen if anyone ever found out?"

He backed away from me, his lips pressed together. "So that's what this is all about. You get promoted and now all I am was a free ride. Well, _Lt. Colonel,_ I am not just some comfort fuck-buddy you can come to when things get too rough."

I took a step towards him, "Rodney, you know that's not how it is!"

He backed farther away from me. His expression wary, but his eyes were screaming at me to take everything back; to put us back together.

"Really, now?" Rodney's face turned cold, his jaw clenching and unclenching. "We had a good thing, Sheppard, but the moment your career is in jeopardy, I get thrown out like yesterday's trash."

He headed toward the door. I rushed after him and grabbed his upper arm, "Rodney, wait! Please, let me explain."

He jerked his arm out of my grip, "No! There's nothing to explain. I know what I was to you. Well, I want you to know, that's all you were to me. What we had, this…fling, it meant nothing to me either. Times get rough, we want comfort…we were just convenient for each other. I get that now." He paused, his face stoic but in his eyes I could read everything. His heart was breaking and I was the cause. I so desperately wanted to take my words back then and there, but it was too late.

"So, if you'll excuse me, I've got work to be attending to now that I've got no further distractions."

With that, he was gone. My heart was screaming at me to follow him, make him realize how sorry I was, but all I could do at that moment was take out my anger at myself on the wall next to the door. Later, when Carson asked me what I did, I'd lie.

**end flashback**

I was so stupid back then. I knew no one on Atlantis would mind; but those back home would. Rodney tried to act like he didn't care, like we'd really only been each other's comfort fuck-buddies, but his eyes told me another story. I'd broken his heart and taken mine down with it. Those eyes haunted me everywhere, especially in my sleep. I'd go to bed seeing his hurt filled eyes and wake up to the cold reality of what I had done. Every time I looked at him, those eyes told me exactly how he was feeling. He hated me, hell I hated me, but I knew I couldn't take back what I'd done. I'd lost him and I was going to have to deal, but I wasn't prepared for what was to come. I didn't know that soon, I might lose him forever.

I look at my watch. Time was running out for the both of us, in 18 more hours, it would be unlikely that Rodney would ever wake up and I'd lose him forever.

_When I Looked Into Your Eyes _

_Why Does Distance Make Us Wise? _

_You Were The Song All Along _

_And Before The Song Dies _

The first couple of weeks were especially rough. Every time we'd go off world, he avoided me or if we were forced to talk, he'd be snarkier than normal. Teyla, God love her, tried to aid in the healing, but no matter what she suggested I just couldn't get Rodney out of my system. The longer we were apart the more I longed to hold him, to feel the warm wetness of his lips against mine. I'd realized my mistake. I hadn't pushed Rodney away because of some childish fear of what the military would do to me; it was because I was afraid of my own feelings. I loved Rodney and I'd never loved anyone, especially a man, as much as I found myself loving him. Rodney was the reason I'd fought so hard to keep Atlantis safe. Keeping Atlantis safe meant keeping Rodney safe. Now, I might never get the chance to tell him. I know it's completely my fault he's laying there. I put his limp hand against my cheek. "I should have paid more attention. This time it is my fault."

**flashback**

"McKay! What did you do?" Ronon roared as we ran to the stargate.

Arrows were landing all around us. "I simply tried to enlighten these uneducated people that their God wasn't very Godlike at all. I mean, come on, who worships a cat!"

"The Egyptians, but that's beside the point, Rodney! You can't just tell people that their religion is wrong, especially not when they outnumber us THIS much!" I said jokingly. It was a defense mechanism of mine. I cracked jokes when I was terrified and at that moment, I was afraid for all of us.

"Rodney, you have to realize certain cultures do not take kindly to your opinions." Telya added.

"Ok, ok, I get it. Don't tell the primitives that their God is nothing but a pet! How about less talking and more getting the hell out of here, hmm?" He hoisted his vest over his shoulder as he ran. The chieftain of the village had decided that Rodney was the one to make trade with because he was the most superior of mind. No matter how many times I tried to protest, tried to explain that we all had to be there for the talks, he'd only negotiate with Rodney. Before he entered the negotiation hut, Rodney had been made to remove his vest and thigh holster because the chieftain saw it as a treat. He hadn't had time to put it back on when the talks went south.

We had finally arrived at the gate. "Rodney! Dial!" I ordered. Within seconds the gate whooshed. "GO!" I screamed to Teyla and Ronon. They nodded and barreled through the gate. I turned to Rodney but he was staring into the distance behind me. Suddenly he grabbed my upper arms, pulled me to him, and spun us. I was confused by his actions. "What the he-!" Then I heard the impacts. My eyes went wide as I felt the points of two arrows pressing against my chest and stomach and realized what had happened. "No, oh God, Rodney, what did you do?" I shouted at him as he started to sink. I tried to grip on to him, but instead I eased him to the ground in fear of causing more damage than I already had. I rose to my feet. Behind, where Rodney had just stood, was one of the villagers, his bow still pointed at me. My insides went cold as blind rage overtook me. I pulled out my weapon and murdered him and three other visible archers. I was breathing hard. I hadn't done something like this since Koyla. I'd just murdered three men in cold blood but in the back of my mind, they deserved it for what they had done.

I sunk to the ground beside Rodney. He had two arrows in him, two arrows that had been meant for me. One was in sticking out of his chest, the other out of his side. I quickly realized I'd made yet another mistake. The arrows had entered through his back and were sticking out the front. By placing Rodney at the angle I had, I'd caused him more pain. I'd hoped to relieve the pressure of the arrows, but I'd only added more and they had slid further in. Why hadn't he cried out and told me? Maybe I could have eased the pressure?

"Rodney - why? Why did you do something so stupid?" Why did he do this, why was he so eager to die for me when I had broken his heart. It wasn't right! "You're a genius, remember, you don't do stupid things!"

Rodney gasped; the arrow in his chest had pierced his lung. He looked at me, a thin trail of blood already starting to trickle from the corner of his mouth and I could feel my hands had become slick with warm sticky blood. He looked at me, his hand came up to grip my shoulder. "Not…stupid."

My mind was screaming at me. Inside I was panicking but I tried to stay as calm as possible for McKay's sake. "Save your energy, McKay. I gotta get you back to Carson. He can fix this and you'll be up and snarking in no time."

"Not...this...time." He was struggling to talk, words barely above a whisper. "Listen - I need to tell you something before-"

"NO! Don't say it, Rodney. You aren't going to die. Not like this - not for me!" I whispered back, but I could see his eyes clouding over. I'd seen that in too many other people before they died.

"I need to tell you this, so shut up, ok?" He gasped and I could hear the bubbling in his throat. His grip on my shoulder was getting weaker. "You weren't just a fuck buddy. I want you to know that. I didn't mean what I said even if you did."

Tears were streaming down my face but I didn't care anymore; would never care anymore if I lost him. Rodney had become shockingly pale and he was fighting to remain conscious, but he continued. "I need you to know-" He coughed, his teeth and lips becoming colored with blood. "I need you to know….John…I…love -." His hand fell from my shoulder and his head fell limply to the side.

"RODNEY!"

I gathered him in my arms, careful of the arrows and put my head against his neck. My body was shaking, at first I didn't know why, but then I realized it was from the sobs wracking my body. Never in my life had I cried this hard but never in my life had I felt so empty. Then I noticed something I hadn't before.

Rodney wasn't breathing, but I could feel a weak pulse against my cheek. He wasn't dead yet and I wasn't about to let him die for me I picked him up, gaining strength I never knew I had and carried him into the wormhole. I collapsed in front of the gate; Elizabeth came running down the stairs. She stopped in front of us and tapped her earpiece. "Carson, get down here, now, McKay's injured! John, what happened?" she asked but I couldn't speak, I couldn't stop staring at Rodney's lifeless face.

**end flashback**

_I Should Tell You I Should Tell You _

_I Have Always Loved You _

_You Can See It In My Eyes_

That was nearly two days ago and since then I've been by Rodney's side, waiting and hoping that I'd get the chance to say all the things I'd waited so long to say. Carson had been able to fix the damage, but he'd told me Rodney was in a coma, the damage to his lung was severe and he wasn't breathing on his own. He'd slipped into a coma after surgery and Carson was afraid that the time Rodney had been without oxygen might have left permanent damage. None of that would matter if Rodney never woke up. As every second, minute, hour passed - the chance of Rodney ever looking at me with those blue eyes I fell in love with, ever touching me with those precise scientist hands of his, kiss that lopsided mouth of his, faded. Within hours he'd be gone forever, lost in his own subconsciousness. A part of me thinks it would be for the best. I'd never be able to hurt him again. Then there's a part of me that realizes I'd never be the same if he didn't wake up. I know I've hurt him more than he ever deserved but I want the chance to make up for all the stupid shit I've done in the past. I need Rodney McKay in my life.

I keep playing the events over in my head. Trying to figure out what I could have done to stop this from happening. I was supposed to be the one watching the backs of my team. I let myself get distracted and Rodney paid for it. I thought he hated me but he risked his life to make sure I was all right. When he did that, I couldn't wrap my head around it but then he said something I've never heard before from him. He called me "John," not Major, not Lt. Colonel, and not Sheppard. Throughout our entire relationship, he'd never once called me John. He called everyone else by their first names, but with me it was either my rank or Sheppard. It wasn't until he called me "John" that I knew. He felt like I did. Just like I couldn't live with the thought of him being hurt, he couldn't live with me getting hurt. He'd done exactly what I would have done in that situation. Only that doesn't keep me from wishing he hadn't.

I sigh. I'm exhausted. I haven't slept since bringing Rodney through the gate and I don't think I can until I know he's back. He has to come back. I won't be able to live with myself knowing that I let Rodney leave without telling him how I felt. He needs to know-no, he deserves to know. After the hell I put him through emotionally, he deserves to know. I know that it probably won't change things because I fucked up too big this time. Oh God, just let him live, I need to tell him.

I lean in, placing my elbows on his bed. "Rodney, please, you have to wake up. You can't die before I kick your ass for being so stupid. I wasn't worth that. Not after everything I made you go through." I pause and try to swallow the lump that's once again forming in my throat. "Damn it, Rodney. You weren't supposed to be here. Those arrows were meant for me. I deserved them! Not you…never you." As hard as I tried, I can once again feel the hot tears rolling down my cheeks.

I lay my head on the side of Rodney's bed, keeping my eyes on him. I feel like if I turn away from him, he'll slip away. I can feel my throat closing as the lump grows bigger, "Rodney, I promise you, if you come back, I'll never turn away from you again. Please, just wake up."

I don't realize that I've fallen asleep until I'm woken by a gentle hand stroking my hair. My eyelids flutter open to see something I was so afraid I'd never see again. Rodney is looking at me, his eyes so full of life. He can't talk because the ventilation tube is still in place. I quickly sit up.

"Rodney! Oh God, you're awake!" I tap my ear piece, "Carson! He's awake! Get in here!" Although he can't physically smile, Rodney's eyes are doing that for him. For the first time in months, his eyes aren't filled with anger and sadness when he looks at me. He grips my hand and I don't ever want to let go but soon Carson is there and I have to stand back and let him do his work.

"Ah, Rodney, lad, you had us worried."

"You were worried? I was the one with the arrow in my chest," Rodney weakly snarks; his voice hoarse from the tube. Carson gives Rodney one more once over and goes to leave. He stops beside me and whispers, with a knowing smile, "I'll give you two some time alone."

I can only nod; I haven't taken my eyes off of Rodney since he woke up. Once Carson's gone, I hesitate. I know Rodney's not angry with me, at least not any more, but I feel like I don't deserve to be by his side now that he's awake. Rodney smiles and pats the empty space of bed beside him. Still I don't move.

"Sheppard—John, please. I've been in a coma for nearly two days ….not to mention I saved your life, so, it's the least you could do."

I slowly walk to his bed, wringing my hands. I don't sit on the bed, instead taking my place in the chair where I've been keeping vigil for the past two days. "Rodney…crap, you scared me so much. I thought I'd lost you before - I could fix things."

"You want to fix things? You mean-"

"Yeah, I was wrong Rodney, incredibly wrong to say what I did. These past few months apart has shown me that much. When you left that night you took a part of me with you." Rodney opens his mouth to speak but I raise a hand, "No, let me finish. I need to say this before my brain realizes what I'm doing and I freeze up like I did all those other times."

I take a breath and steady my nerves. I've faced countless Wraith but I've never felt as nervous as I do right now. Who knew confessing your undying Love to Rodney McKay would be so nerve wracking.

"Rodney, you need to know how I feel because I nearly died when you nearly…you know because I'd never told you anything about my feelings. Every time I tried, I froze afraid that if I did, what we had would become too real to handle. It wasn't until I had to wake up without you that I realized that's what I needed all along. I needed for us to be real, needed to know that you felt the same way." I pause hoping to be able to read anything from his eyes, expression, anything. I can feel my hands begin to shake. I'm terrified that I'll say all I've got to say and he'll just tell me to walk away and not look back.

"The look in your eyes when I…when I hurt you told me exactly how you felt. But I'd screwed up, I'd let you get away because I had this stupid sense of duty. I don't care what Caldwell or anyone else thinks."

I pause for a moment praying for a reaction but when I get nothing I stand and begin to take my leave. Suddenly there's a weak grip on my wrist. "Wait," he weakly says. I turn toward him. He lets go of my wrist, scoots over, and pats the empty space beside him. I still hesitate. This would be the first time we'd be this open in public. I want it, but still, it feels awkward. As I look into his eyes I gain all the confidence I've lacked throughout the past few months. I carefully lay in bed next to Rodney, gently taking him in my arms, "I want you to know that you are the reason I've fought so hard these past months. I knew deep down that by keeping Atlantis safe, I was keeping you safe and that's all that mattered. Since the day we…_I_ ended things, I've known you loved me because I could see it in your eyes….but I need you to know one thing." I pause and kiss him. It's just like our first. We're making up for lost time. I lean in to give Rodney better access because I know every move he makes hurts, no matter the amount of pain killer he's had. My hands are on his face and just like our first kiss; my palms are brushing against day old stubble. His hands are on the back of my head, fingers clenching in my hair. He bites my lower lip before his tongue works its way into my mouth, sliding over my teeth. All too quickly oxygen becomes a necessity for Rodney, his lung still healing.

I lean my forehead against his as he tries to catch his breath. I look into his eyes, reading every emotion that crosses them.

"Rodney, I have always loved you. You can see it in my eyes."

The End

This was my first attempt at writing SGA or writing slash...so please...be gentle...but do read and review.


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